F**kface Watchalong: Condorman
Bonus · published 2023-05-12 · archive #176

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[0:00:57] Geoff: Hello, and welcome to another episode of, what do we call this? F**kface catches a movie? Or something? I don't think we've ever called it that. Do we have a name? I don't think that's ever been the type.
[0:01:19] Eric: No, I think that's maybe the first time I've heard those words in that segment. Yeah, that's not...
[0:01:22] Geoff: Yeah, I'm saying, what do we call this?
[0:01:24] Andrew: I'm asking you, what should we call it? I think we just call it Watches Blank. F**kface watches blank. I think it's just F**kface watches Condor Man. Film Face. Film Face. I like Film Face.
[0:01:34] Eric: I think Film Face is a really good... Yeah. Because if it was like Film Fuck, we shouldn't do that.
[0:01:40] Geoff: See, I didn't... If I hadn't asked that question, we never would have gotten to... What is it? Film Face?
[0:01:48] Eric: You were trying to make a point and couldn't remember the name that you were making the point with.
[0:01:52] Geoff: No, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so today, this is the third iteration of this. The very first one we did, we watched The Tuxedo, and then the second one we watched MVP 2. And then today we are going to watch the, I don't know, 1980 or 1981 film Condor Man, which is a Disney film starring Michael Crawford. If you don't know who Michael Crawford is, he was the original Phantom of the Opera.
[0:02:24] Andrew: Oh, okay. Some mothers do have a Michael Crawford?
[0:02:27] Geoff: What's that? What? What? Yeah, Michael Crawford from the Phantom of the Opera and also from Hello Dolly, I think was his other big role that he did. What was the one you said? What did you say?
[0:02:39] Andrew: Uh, I said some mothers do have them. Some others do have them. Some mothers do have them. Okay, relax. Calm down. Jesus Christ, we're watching a movie. Why are you mad? I don't understand what he's doing.
[0:02:55] Gavin: Is that a movie that Michael Crawford was in? No, it's like a popular sitcom in the 70s. But was he in it? Was he in it? Why would I be talking?
[0:03:05] Eric: I'm looking at it. I'm asking you. Why is it? Why is it written like the way you speak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that.
[0:03:11] Geoff: Because that's the way he speaks. Michael Crawford played Frank Spencer in Some Mothers Do album.
[0:03:18] Gavin: Frank Spencer is one of the most iconic characters in British history. Really? Yeah, well, Phantom of the Opera is pretty iconic in America. Yeah, that's fair. Good singer, isn't he? What do some mothers have? What is the um? Like when someone's like a dipshit. They're like, oh, some mothers do have them. Oh, okay. Oh, like some mothers have dipshits.
[0:03:38] Geoff: Dipshits. Got it. Yeah, same Michael Crawford. Easy. He is also in this. Interesting, really interesting resume, Michael Crawford's career. I think he even won a Tony for Phantom of the Opera, but maybe I'm just remembering that. Anyway, Eric asked, why are we doing this? I think we're doing this because we wanted to continue to watch movies, and we were having a conversation about if I were to pick a movie, because I think technically the first one was picked by Gavin. That was kind of his story. The second one was clearly Andrew's. The story of Andrew learning how to skateboard from a monkey in his childhood. A prized moment. I tried to reach back into my childhood. The movies that I loved as a kid that I couldn't make us watch today, like the Apple Dumplin' Gang, like nobody needs to see that, or the Shaggy DA, or any of that stuff, or those fabulous Dobermans. Is it racist? No, they're just bad.
[0:04:33] Andrew: They're bad. They're just bad.
[0:04:35] Geoff: They're long and boring kids' movies. It's like trying to sit down and watch Mary Poppins today. You're like, we're a fucking hour in, and Mary Poppins hasn't opened her umbrella once. Do anything. Yeah, but the cannons have gone off. The cannons have gone off. That's what keeps you awake in the first fucking hour. Anyway, so I remembered a movie that has always stuck with me called Condor Man. Here's what I remember about the movie, and I must admit a little trepidation and a little fear, because y'all had great movies with great stories. I just remember that when this movie came out, I was desperate to see it, and my mom used to take me out on little movie dates where we would go, like, get dinner and then go to a movie, like, mom and son kind of thing, and so she took me out to see Condor Man. All I remember about the movie, all I remember about the movie is, like, a wingsuit, and that they promoted Condor Man Crunch. Ice cream heavily, and so right after the movie, my mom took me to Baskin-Robbins, or we used to call it, back then we used to just call it 31 Flavors
[0:05:36] Geoff: when I was a little kid, but she took me to Baskin-Robbins, and they had Condor Man Crunch, and I ate it, and I thought it was the best ice cream on earth, and that's the sum total of my memory of Condor Man. I don't know what the movie's about. I thought about going and watching it ahead of time to kind of prep, but I kind of thought it would be better if I went in just as blind as y'all. Absolutely. Uh, and so I'm really nervous, because the tuxedo? Home run, right? They're, like, fucking... MVP 2? Grand slam. So the stakes are pretty fucking high for Condor Man, and I feel like I have the least amount of touchpoint to that movie compared to the ones y'all had. So, this could be a flaming disaster, but we all did make Condor Man Crunch. Do you guys want to, like, talk about your Condor Man Crunch? Should we take a photo and share?
[0:06:23] Andrew: Yeah, I took a photo. I'm good to go. I just want to say that I wish we still, and maybe it is in America, we don't really have Baskin-Robbins, at least where I live. Uh, I wish we lived in a world where there was more licensed ice cream. I love the idea of movie ice cream in general. I was looking at other Baskin-Robbins flavors. They did this one. This is my favorite one. I've seen Can't Stop the Nuts that was inspired by the sensational new Can't Stop the Music. It's great. Like, I just want that dumb shit in my life, and I don't think we really have it. I agree. But Gavin immediately shared his ice cream. Is that okay? I, I... That's...
[0:07:00] Geoff: Oh, okay.
[0:07:00] Andrew: Let me just look.
[0:07:01] Geoff: Is that a... That looks really faithful. Is that pecan pralines broken up? It is.
[0:07:06] Gavin: But also, I've made an addition. Okay. I've also... Because I couldn't find pralines because I didn't know what they were, I bought chocolate pretzels. Oh, that looks great. And then I found pralines. So I've added the pretzels on as to not waste them. So let me list the ingredients
[0:07:23] Geoff: of the ice cream as we're going through this. As, as per the ad for Conerman Crunch that we found on the internet. Chocolate ice cream with crunchy praline pecan bits and a milk chocolate ribbon. And I have to say, I figured I could go into the grocery store and find, like, chocolate praline ice cream. You can't. Like, they hit on a flavor, they nailed it out of the gate and then nobody else retread over their steps. There is a dearth of those ingredients even coming close to being in the same ice cream at the store from what I can tell. Andrew, do you want to show yours now?
[0:07:57] Andrew: Sure. So I had, I couldn't find just pralines by themselves, so I had to buy a praline ice cream. So I went with a mix of... I also, I realized, Gavin, I thought yours had melted because of the whiteness of the plate and that that was, like, what was left. I have so much more ice cream than you have. I have a full bowl. Should be uploading the photo right now. Oh, my God. So we got some praline ice cream in there with chocolate, a deep chocolate ice cream, and a little chocolate swirl on top. It was the closest I could get to the pralines and the chocolate. I think it's gonna be delicious. I'm excited to try it.
[0:08:31] Geoff: I think both of your ice creams look beautiful. I think they're different and unique and I think you should both be proud of them. So, Eric, do you have one to share or is it just those guys?
[0:08:42] Eric: No, it's just them. I didn't get ice cream for the Condor Man because I was making, I made a cup of coffee. So...
[0:08:50] Gavin: Oh, I've got coffee too.
[0:08:52] Eric: Wow. Me and Gavin, couple of coffee guys, right?
[0:08:55] Geoff: I, uh... God, I wish I had coffee. I just have water. I haven't told you guys about this. It's f***ing main content, but I gave up sodas and so now I just drink water and it's fucking boring. What? Yeah, my whole life is boring.
[0:09:05] Andrew: Like, not even Coke Zero?
[0:09:06] Geoff: No, I don't...
[0:09:07] Eric: Oh, hang on, hang on. It's a long story.
[0:09:10] Geoff: But no, not even Coke Zero.
[0:09:11] Eric: I gave up sodas. Wait, wait, wait. What about Coke Zero?
[0:09:14] Geoff: No, I don't drink that.
[0:09:15] Eric: Okay, but what about Dr. Pepper? No, Dr. Pepper and Coke Zero
[0:09:19] Andrew: are different things. Coke Zero is barely a soda.
[0:09:24] Geoff: I've had one Diet Coke since last Saturday.
[0:09:27] Gavin: Are you horrendously addicted to caffeine and that's why?
[0:09:30] Geoff: No, I just was trying to save money and sodas are getting real expensive with inflation and also I drink five to ten Diet Cokes a day. That can't be good for me. Oh, Jesus Christ. Or diet, honestly, Diet Pepsi. So then maybe that's better in some way, Diet Pepsi. Don't you drink like
[0:09:46] Andrew: six Monsters a day? Isn't that... Yeah, yeah.
[0:09:49] Geoff: I drink probably three Monsters a day as well and then two iced coffees. Well, that's where all the money's going.
[0:09:54] Eric: But I've cut all that out. You don't drink any energy drinks now? No.
[0:10:00] Geoff: I haven't had an energy drink since last week.
[0:10:05] Gavin: Maybe that's why you were so quiet when you joined.
[0:10:07] Geoff: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say, man, you know, I've been consuming that level of caffeine since I joined the Army and I had to learn how to stay awake and I have been having trouble staying up past 9 p.m. now. And it turns out you cut, I don't know, a thousand milligrams of caffeine out of your day.
[0:10:27] Andrew: You go right the fuck to sleep. I love that you're like, I've been phased by caffeine, does nothing to me and then you remove it. You're instantly like, I cannot stay awake.
[0:10:38] Geoff: Me and the chickens, as soon as the sun goes down, we're fucking dead to the world. Anyway, we can talk about all that in the face. It's not for... And it's not like a hard and fast rule. Sure. If I go to a restaurant and they have soda on the menu, I will order it. I'm just not going to pay. I'm just not going to buy a bunch of soda cans and have them in my fridge and stuff. Okay. Anyway, my ice cream is... I also couldn't find pralines at all. I know what a praline is. I know what a pecan praline is. If I had the time, I would have driven to one of the Mexican restaurants around my house and they tend to sell them in little cookies you can get that are fucking delicious at the register. But I couldn't find any like that at the grocery store. So I got chocolate ice cream with butter pecan praline ice cream and I mixed that together which gives me some vanilla in there so it's not really true to the recipe. Then I put crushed pecans on it and then got into a bit of a heated discussion with Emily this morning
[0:11:38] Geoff: about what constitutes a chocolate ribbon. She felt very... I was just going to pour chocolate syrup on and she felt very serious that they would not advertise a chocolate ribbon as chocolate syrup because of consistency that it's probably chocolate fudge that was folded into the ice cream. So it has to go all the way through like a vein. Yeah, so I bought chocolate fudge and put that on it as well and I already ate it. It's already gone. I think yours looks the best.
[0:12:05] Eric: Yeah, I think you did great. Hey Nick, what kind of ice cream do you have? It's Midnight Crunch which is like a mix of M&M's and like... It has the folded in chocolate so I'm halfway there. There you go. I went no ice cream. You just went any ice cream.
[0:12:20] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:12:21] Andrew: Solidarity, man. If you were to ask Nick what ice cream he's having he would have an answer for each episode. I assume he's just always eating ice cream.
[0:12:28] Unidentified: I think you're right.
[0:12:29] Andrew: I don't think this is specific to this thing. It just is now aligned with his interest. That's too real.
[0:12:33] Gavin: I'm going to say he's not in the mask.
[0:12:35] Andrew: Yeah. No. No. No, Gavin. You fucking idiot. Is that a guess? No. Are you done with your guess?
[0:12:44] Gavin: No, because a guess would be like are you in the... You know, I have to ask him.
[0:12:47] Andrew: Well wait, so you're not officially guessing you're just declaring.
[0:12:49] Gavin: You're just levying an opinion. You're not asking. I'm floating an idea.
[0:12:55] Geoff: Well, you're right.
[0:12:58] Gavin: I can't believe I looked at a picture of Condo Man and didn't know it was Michael Crawford.
[0:13:04] Geoff: Yeah, I can't believe I didn't know who Michael Crawford was until Emily said wait, Phantom of the Opera? Hello Dolly, Michael Crawford? And I was like, maybe. And then he's like oh, Betty. And then he's like oh, Betty. Yeah. What a wild career, huh? He's done everything. Has he? And his name in this is Woody which is the same name as that guy from Cheers that was in that movie review I just gave.
[0:13:28] Eric: It was. By the time this is out like where do you think this lines up? Just curious. I don't know. Just curious about what you think. We should date this.
[0:13:36] Geoff: Today is we're recording this Friday, March 10th at 1pm.
[0:13:40] Andrew: That I didn't vocalize it at the time but the fact that you remember the character name was Woody but it wasn't Woody Harrelson baffled me. Because when you're saying that I was like I remember Woody Harrelson was in that show but certainly he would know Woody was Woody Harrelson so it has to be like some other side character that I don't really remember that had the name of Woody. It's not. That was crazy.
[0:14:00] Geoff: No, I just thought it was really fucking fun. I just thought it would be very funny to refer to Woody Harrelson as Woody the guy from Cheers not Woody Harrelson the guy from everything you've seen your entire life. Like Austin Powers. What? What do you mean?
[0:14:14] Gavin: Are we just naming movies now? That's the only thing I knew him from from a while.
[0:14:20] Andrew: He's in Austin Powers? I don't remember him in Austin Powers.
[0:14:22] Gavin: He's Woody Harrelson. He's like when they're talking about the rocket-shaped penis. I was like I don't know who that is but he's got he's got a funny name. It's a Condor Man.
[0:14:34] Andrew: Yeah, let's get to it, huh?
[0:14:36] Eric: I had half an episode of F*** Face at the beginning of this. Man, no kidding. So, like we did before Condor Man we are watching live on Amazon Prime where you can rent it. It is not free on Amazon Prime. You can rent it for I think it was like four bucks. You can also buy it for ten dollars but I don't know why you would do that. You can. No, it is not.
[0:15:02] Unidentified: Oh, no.
[0:15:03] Eric: Oh, no, Jeff.
[0:15:05] Unidentified: Oh, no.
[0:15:06] Geoff: If it was your old vault shit.
[0:15:08] Unidentified: Uh-huh.
[0:15:09] Geoff: Hey, y'all. Yeah. I'm sorry if this movie is not good. Once again I only remembered the ice cream.
[0:15:18] Eric: I'm not concerned with it honestly not being good. I'm concerned about the content here with and what we're about to get into.
[0:15:26] Geoff: It's a Disney movie. If it was problematic it would have it would have if it was problematic
[0:15:31] Eric: they wouldn't put it on their streaming service. Yeah. Anyway, I got this on Amazon Prime. We'll see. So I'm going to count down three, two, one now and then on now you hit play along with us and together we will watch 1981's Condor Man. Are you guys ready?
[0:15:53] Gavin: This is real. What is happening right now?
[0:15:55] Geoff: Were any of you alive in 1981?
[0:15:58] Gavin: No. Not yet. I was six years old. Not for another seven years.
[0:16:03] Eric: Goddamn. Thirteen. All right. Here we go. Going to watch Condor Man three, two, one now. Yes.
[0:16:14] Andrew: This film is modified from its original version. It is a format to fit your fucking pan and scan.
[0:16:19] Gavin: Is this like the American Airlines version?
[0:16:20] Unidentified: What the hell is this?
[0:16:23] Geoff: You don't know my screen? Oh, it's rated PG. They did in 1981. Can you hear it? Yeah. Yeah. This is some bootleg
[0:16:31] Gavin: airline version.
[0:16:33] Eric: This is on like Amazon.
[0:16:37] Gavin: Yeah, man. It's four by three.
[0:16:40] Eric: Oh, I also have captions on just in case. Oh, look at that logo.
[0:16:47] Andrew: I want that as a piece of metal. I don't know. That makes me look like I've got it.
[0:16:50] Geoff: Yeah, I would say it's kind of Nazi-ish except they're fighting Russians this whole movie, I think. Oh, we got animation? It looks like a weapon
[0:16:58] Gavin: you pick up in Contra.
[0:17:04] Geoff: Fire the Condor Man.
[0:17:07] Eric: This is the most 1980s-ass movie I've seen in a long time.
[0:17:11] Geoff: Dude, this is what this is what it was like to be a child in the 80s. Oh, it's like a real object.
[0:17:20] Unidentified: Oh, and it transitions.
[0:17:23] Andrew: I, I'm shocked we're still dealing with animation.
[0:17:29] Geoff: Is that the Trump de la Monde? Or the Arc de Triomphe, I mean? I have no idea. I love this font. Yeah, it's a really good font. Oliver Reed Krakow. What, what British sitcom was he in?
[0:17:46] Eric: Well, is it Barbara Carrera in a Bond movie?
[0:17:51] Geoff: Which one? You would think Gavin would know he's the fan.
[0:17:54] Eric: I don't know offhand.
[0:17:58] Unidentified: Hey, is Condor Man really loud for anybody else? Is it? A little bit. It's very loud.
[0:18:04] Gavin: Isn't Oliver Reed who they like CG'd his head on after he died? What?
[0:18:10] Eric: There we go. And Star Wars? Yeah, sorry about that. No worries. Did a goofy scream. I'm gonna look up Barbara Carrera.
[0:18:18] Geoff: Is it Gene Zay the guy that did costumes for Condor Man?
[0:18:22] Andrew: So no other part of this movie is animated, right? This is it? This is the only animation? I couldn't tell you. I don't think so.
[0:18:33] Gavin: Pink Panther vibes just for the beginning.
[0:18:36] Eric: She's in Never Say Never Again.
[0:18:39] Gavin: Not official.
[0:18:41] Geoff: It's in Disney. It's a Disney movie so I think they're required to have some form of animation somewhere.
[0:18:54] Unidentified: Oh, Henry Mancini did the music. Henry Mancini. Wow. What about the big guns?
[0:19:01] Geoff: Do you think Henry Mancini did the music for a movie like this or do you think they just went to Henry Mancini and said what do you got that you haven't used yet? And he's like he just thumbs through some stuff and he goes take this one.
[0:19:12] Eric: No, I think he went
[0:19:12] Andrew: deep into the soul of Condor Man.
[0:19:14] Eric: He really invested. Scream Condor Man on top of this.
[0:19:17] Andrew: It'll be fine. I don't think I've seen as much of a movie without having any context for what it will be. Like we have there's been no indication on what this really is.
[0:19:27] Gavin: Also, where's the sides of the image?
[0:19:30] Andrew: It's a panic scan, man.
[0:19:32] Unidentified: Listen, Henry Mancini costs a lot of money, okay?
[0:19:35] Geoff: You would have fucking hated
[0:19:37] Gavin: to grow up when I was a kid. What if it's like the IMAX presentation?
[0:19:42] Geoff: That idea that this was ever in IMAX.
[0:19:51] Unidentified: Oh, there he is. Oh, there he is. It's the real guy.
[0:19:58] Geoff: What is the name of that show? Mother's Gotta Have One. Some mothers do have them. Some mothers
[0:20:06] Gavin: do have them.
[0:20:06] Unidentified: It's freaking Frank Spencer.
[0:20:09] Gavin: Mother's Gotta Have One.
[0:20:19] Geoff: Condor Man's going to help somebody catch the bus.
[0:20:22] Unidentified: That's all he's good for. Wait up, wait up.
[0:20:26] Gavin: What if this was coincidentally also the day that James Bond jumped off the Eiffel Tower?
[0:20:30] Unidentified: Oh, it's that fucking guy. He's, uh, what is he from? Good talk. Oh, he's James Hampton.
[0:20:54] Andrew: There's a Darren Aronofsky version of this that is really dark.
[0:20:59] Geoff: He was the dad in Teen Wolf. That's how I know him.
[0:21:02] Eric: He teaches Michael J. Fox how to be a responsible Teen Wolf. Awesome. There's no way the guy filming down there is able to capture this
[0:21:09] Unidentified: with the lights he had. Oh, Dude, that shit's real. That's happening.
[0:21:21] Gavin: You could have been at the Eiffel Tower once and seen this shit.
[0:21:25] Unidentified: You could have seen Frank Spencer
[0:21:27] Geoff: hovering above the earth. They paid the licensing fee to film at the Eiffel Tower. Oh, no!
[0:21:34] Unidentified: Was that like
[0:21:40] Geoff: a little toy? What was that? He was in Sling Blade. He was in Lady Gaga featuring R. Kelly Do What You Want. Awesome. Can we have it
[0:21:54] Unidentified: louder than the music server? Yep. Yeah. How's that? Good. Thank you. Fine.
[0:22:08] Andrew: So he's a comic book writer.
[0:22:09] Geoff: So he had he's a superhero comic book writer who makes sure that any superhero stuff he the Condor Men does he can actually do in the real world.
[0:22:24] Eric: Like, why would that be a thing that you want in a superhero? Who gives a fuck? Well, yeah.
[0:22:30] Andrew: You mentioned like reading an issue of the Incredible Hulk and be like, well, it wasn't realistic. That's a real weird jet that far. Like, fuck, dude. I want real reality in my fantasy
[0:22:43] Unidentified: is what I want. Who do you think
[0:22:51] Geoff: would be the hardest superhero to be if you had to be able to do their shit in real life? I think I think Elastic Man would be a real tough one. Dr. Manhattan.
[0:23:02] Unidentified: Wait. Thank you. We should watch Cloak and Dagger next. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. And it takes place in Texas. That's what he's trained to say. I don't think he's a file clerk. He's got spy written all over him.
[0:23:44] Andrew: I think he's got spy.
[0:23:48] Gavin: Oh, I thought it was going to say spy HQ on the top.
[0:23:54] Geoff: So does he just like show up at the Eiffel Tower in a Condor Man suit and buy a ticket and they just let him up the stairs?
[0:24:05] Unidentified: Oh, it's that guy. Dude, it's a heavy cast. That's Dana Elkar. He was the guy in MacGyver. I like the way
[0:24:28] Eric: everyone looks in this movie because no one looks like movie stars. These are people I would see walking down the street.
[0:24:35] Unidentified: Every single one of them. I think I know who he's going to ask for help. Well, don't tell me.
[0:24:57] Eric: If only he knew a real life superhero. If only. Well, hang on. Is Condor Man able to deliver papers in real life? He won't write about it unless he does.
[0:25:20] Unidentified: I love him.
[0:25:22] Andrew: Can't get enough of him. Riding him. Looking at him. Big train guy.
[0:25:34] Unidentified: Oh, he's going to show up in a... Oh, no. There he is. Oh, my God. I might hate Woody. I'm with Andrew. Is he going for Clueso?
[0:25:48] Geoff: Yeah, he sucks. Woody sucks. I hate Woody. Oh, man. Woof. This guy's one of the best actors of his generation. When? Around 1981. I mean, he nailed the Humphrey Bogart impression. Nailed it to a wall. He crucified it. I really don't like Woody. If I'm a fucking cop, and I'm not, but if I were, I'd have to tell you if you asked, but if I'm a cop, that's how it fucking works, and everybody who's ever bought weed knows that. If I were a cop, if I ever saw a dude under any circumstances carrying a briefcase that was fucking handcuffed to him, I'm taking that dude in. Guarantee. It's never for a good reason.
[0:26:48] Andrew: Is he going to be the same plot as MVP? Is he going to fall asleep and miss a stop and start playing hockey?
[0:26:55] Gavin: He's going to end up in an animal reserve?
[0:26:57] Andrew: Yeah, he's going to retire to the sanctuary.
[0:26:59] Gavin: The condor sanctuary.
[0:27:03] Unidentified: There must have,
[0:27:09] Geoff: the United States must have been in a huge belly dancing craze in the 80s, because when I was a kid, it was a big fucking deal. It was in every movie, and I remember, now I just remember this because of the scene. My mom took belly dancing lessons when I was a kid. I remember that now.
[0:27:26] Unidentified: What?
[0:27:26] Geoff: Yeah, I guess it was like the 80s version of Pilates or Jazzercise or something, but yeah, she and her friends took belly dancing lessons. Was it because of Condor Man? It might have been. It very well might have been.
[0:27:46] Unidentified: And that's the Bond lady? Yeah, non-canon. Iyana Bust. Excuse me? Iyana Bust. Eon. He's saying Ian. Ian. Ian. Eon. I love how subtle they were with their sexy names
[0:28:18] Geoff: in James Bond. Pussy Galore? Yeah. Like Esme Titties.
[0:28:27] Eric: I watched Goldeneye the other day, and that's a really good one. Oh, with Turbo Clunch? Yeah, that fucking... Onatop? What a great name.
[0:28:36] Geoff: Zenyana Top? Yeah.
[0:28:37] Eric: That's fucking great.
[0:28:38] Geoff: I was going to recommend we do something on F*** Face at some point where we... If we continue to do these kinds of things and we want to do it with some sort of regularity, I thought a fun angle to take would be to pick an actor or actress and do their entire body of work. Like do all of Jackie Chan or do all of like... Oh my God. I don't know.
[0:28:56] Unidentified: Somebody...
[0:28:57] Geoff: Well, maybe not somebody with 200 credits, but like somebody with an interesting body of work that we could do. Maybe a bad body of work. But maybe it'd be fun to do all the James Bond movies and then Gavin could give us all his James Bond knowledge.
[0:29:11] Gavin: I mean, I'll watch him again.
[0:29:14] Geoff: Thanks, Gavin.
[0:29:16] Eric: Are there a lot of non-canon James Bond movies or is it just like one? I think it's two, right?
[0:29:21] Gavin: Casino Royale. The first one.
[0:29:23] Unidentified: Oh, yeah. Yeah, the David Niven one. Wouldn't that be the most canon?
[0:29:33] Geoff: Wouldn't it? Wouldn't that be like everyone after that's not canon?
[0:29:44] Unidentified: Have you ever read that book, Casino Royale? No, I haven't. No. It's a really good book. It's a real fast read.
[0:29:53] Geoff: James Bond, as written, is a very different character than he is on screen. Is he more or less of a complete bastard? He's a complete bastard, but he's more fallible. You get a sense of how beat to shit he is a little bit more and not always in control. Now he's just name dropping his own character?
[0:30:16] Eric: I'm with Andrew. I do not like this guy. No. There's nothing I like about this guy.
[0:30:23] Unidentified: He's a buffoon. The drink needs to still be on fire.
[0:30:32] Geoff: I wonder if they ever made a Condor Man comic book to go like a companion to the movie. I'll look it up. That's it. What?
[0:30:40] Unidentified: That was awful. That was awful. What? Still hate him?
[0:30:46] Andrew: No. I'm in. I'm in on Woody. Woody's pretty great. Woody's amazing.
[0:30:51] Gavin: That would look like an optical effect.
[0:30:57] Eric: Dude, I think that there is a three-issue set of Condor Man. Oh, we need to get that.
[0:31:05] Geoff: That needs to be in the f***ing museum. It's like 15 bucks on eBay.
[0:31:12] Unidentified: Yeah, we should get that. I'll, uh... Can you put that on the company credit card? Thanks. Yeah, I'll grab it. I'm back to not liking this guy.
[0:31:24] Geoff: I was just thinking it would be fun to take those Condor Man comics and have somebody redraw them, but we change it to Andrew. I feel like I should be insulted. Why? You get to be a f***ing superhero who anything Condor Man can do in real life, you know Michael Crawford can do in real life, and if he can do it, you can do it.
[0:31:42] Unidentified: I think he grabs it by the butt. He's doing his own stunts. Yeah. Who needs Jackie Chan? Those are good hits, man.
[0:32:07] Geoff: Dude, that is a gorgeous restaurant.
[0:32:14] Eric: These sequences are fun. Yeah. That's not gonna feel good. I... Looney Tunes in real life is like my wheelhouse, and this is great. I'm having so much fun.
[0:32:29] Gavin: My espresso machine takes like 25 seconds before it's doing that.
[0:32:32] Eric: He looks like a s***.
[0:32:37] Andrew: I'll do my best to avoid that. Try to avoid. Did you adopt that, Jeff, after watching? Do you have a try to avoid list? I'll do my best
[0:32:57] Gavin: not to end up there. Yeah, my try to avoid list is prison. Oh, but he dropped them earlier.
[0:33:15] Unidentified: Also, was the briefcase locked?
[0:33:22] Andrew: Like, he's handcuffed to it, but I don't think the briefcase itself is locked or secure in any way.
[0:33:28] Unidentified: Oh, damn. Score! I'm gonna have so much to write about.
[0:33:36] Geoff: A British... A British... No, an American comic book artist falls in love with a Russian spy in Istanbul. That's a story you tell your grandkids.
[0:33:47] Unidentified: It's cool
[0:33:51] Eric: because in his comic now, Condor Man can do all that stuff. Yeah, Condor Man can kiss a girl now, finally.
[0:34:02] Unidentified: It's like, 12 episode arc! Condor Man gets lucky! Condor Man goes from restaurant to restaurant and kisses Russian supermodels. Oh, s***.
[0:34:34] Andrew: I always wonder how long they've sat there. Right. Like, in this moment in movies. A long... He was asleep. Like,
[0:34:45] Geoff: does he sit down there and he pours himself the drink and then he's like, it looks so much cooler with the drink, I'll just... I can't drink it, I'll just have to hold it until she shows up. It's hot. Yeah.
[0:35:01] Unidentified: That's the truth.
[0:35:05] Geoff: You said it, sister. Preaching to the converted.
[0:35:14] Unidentified: Is that Oliver Reed? Oliver Reed. Fuck, I've navigated to eBay. Hold on. Yeah, that's Krokov. That's Oliver Reed. You know him?
[0:35:33] Gavin: I just know that he died in the filming of Gladiator.
[0:35:36] Unidentified: Oh, really?
[0:35:37] Gavin: Oh, really? I don't think he died. He didn't die because of it. What?
[0:35:40] Andrew: Did he get Gladiator? Like, way more specific. He died during the filming of but not related to you? Is that what you're saying?
[0:35:48] Gavin: Yeah, I think they had to spend millions of dollars like CG-ing his face onto someone else. Oh.
[0:35:53] Andrew: That's what we were talking about.
[0:35:54] Gavin: To finish his role.
[0:35:55] Andrew: I wonder if that's his most... They did that back in Gladiator times? Wow.
[0:35:58] Gavin: Yeah, I think that's why it was so expensive.
[0:36:00] Andrew: It's impressive.
[0:36:01] Geoff: That's a great joke there, Andrew. Yeah, Gladiator. Gladiator was the second to last thing he was in. He was also in... Oliver in 1968. That's probably his most well-known role.
[0:36:20] Eric: I have purchased Condor Man Comics issues one, two, and three. Thank you so much, Eric.
[0:36:27] Geoff: Oh, he was also in a movie... We might need to... Oh, Lord. We might have a new movie on our hands. He was in a 1980 movie called Dr. Heckle and Mr. Hype. An ugly, misshapen podiatrist... This is for you, Gavin. ...ingests a formula made by a colleague and turns into a handsome devil-may-care but violent ladies' man. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hype. An ugly... He was the bad guy in Condor Man and then he was an ugly podiatrist. Condor Man's a lefty.
[0:37:10] Unidentified: You ever wish you were talented? Mm-hmm. Do you think
[0:37:14] Andrew: that's his hand?
[0:37:15] Geoff: I used to. Who, Michael Crawford's hand?
[0:37:18] Andrew: Yeah.
[0:37:18] Geoff: Oh, definitely. At some point, you get old enough to kind of give up on talent. It's just like, even if I still had it, it'd be worthless at this point in my life. Ooh, laser lady. Laser lady.
[0:37:36] Unidentified: Laser lady.
[0:37:40] Eric: This guy's a fucking dork.
[0:37:45] Geoff: How about the fact that a dude threw a switchblade knife at him and it would have killed him but he stopped it and then he just walked it off like,
[0:37:53] Unidentified: eh.
[0:37:53] Geoff: It's another Wednesday.
[0:38:06] Unidentified: It's a pretty echoey room. Stop saying Condor Man.
[0:38:21] Geoff: That's just some good trivia.
[0:38:23] Eric: This guy's gonna get his ass kicked.
[0:38:26] Geoff: He's not a real duck.
[0:38:30] Gavin: Is he explaining the concept of fiction?
[0:38:52] Unidentified: Oh, man.
[0:38:54] Geoff: That's another thing that the 80s was full of. I don't know if you guys remember, but it was always a Russian trying to defect to America. Trying to flee communism to the freedom of America.
[0:39:04] Gavin: Red October style?
[0:39:06] Geoff: Yeah. Or that Moscow on the Hudson or that movie with Gregory Hines and the dude where they danced.
[0:39:24] Unidentified: Good.
[0:39:27] Gavin: Then there wouldn't be a sequel. How do we get that jumper?
[0:39:32] Geoff: You know, I was gonna say earlier we all need spy jackets like he had on
[0:39:35] Eric: but maybe we just all need that sweater. It looks like he beat up the world's biggest kindergartner for that.
[0:39:42] Unidentified: The gopher boy? The gopher boy. It's interesting that that like
[0:40:14] Geoff: weaselly unattractive little voice is one of the best like musical theater voices of its generation.
[0:40:23] Gavin: You should hear him as Frank Spencer and some others do have him. That's a voice. Is it like
[0:40:29] Geoff: is it very accent heavy?
[0:40:31] Unidentified: Yeah. You'd love it. That's a great tagline out of the inkwell into real life. Bear? Laser lady?
[0:41:08] Geoff: Laser lady is the bear.
[0:41:11] Andrew: Laser lady is the bear. I wish that was what she was credited as like the actress Natalia aka the bear aka laser lady.
[0:41:23] Unidentified: Wait, is this guy British? The main guy? Yeah. Yeah. Is he?
[0:41:39] Gavin: In real life he is. Hence being in that British sitcom I was talking about. Well here's the thing I didn't know that
[0:41:46] Eric: he's just been doing American shit here. Yeah, he's been doing
[0:41:48] Unidentified: he's clearly wearing British sweaters. The Phantom of the Opera is British shit, isn't it?
[0:41:53] Eric: I don't know I've never seen Phantom of the Opera.
[0:41:55] Geoff: I saw it. It's good. I saw it in the original place. It's British. Right, but he's British. He's British. No, but Condor Man's American. Condor Man. Woody is American. Yeah. Woody is an American. He's playing a character. If you want to roll it back a little bit his buddy explains the concept of fiction.
[0:42:15] Eric: We need a refresher. Andrew, did you know this guy was British?
[0:42:20] Andrew: Yeah.
[0:42:20] Eric: I had no idea. Yeah, I think so. Well, when he was in
[0:42:23] Andrew: some of your mother's album or whatever the fuck like you have to be.
[0:42:26] Eric: Mama needs one bad. That's what made you look it up because you guys were talking about it and I went, oh, that's weird that there's an American in a show that sounds like that and he's not American.
[0:42:38] Gavin: The most British guy in the world. Where's Yugoslavia now? What is that now?
[0:42:47] Geoff: That's where they the Yugo was made. No.
[0:42:54] Unidentified: Dude, that guy's fucking old timey. Lost him. Oh, it's
[0:43:02] Eric: Serbia and Montenegro.
[0:43:05] Geoff: Okay. Have you ever been to Serbia or Montenegro, Gavin? I have not.
[0:43:09] Eric: I haven't either. I think Serbia is a great name. Serbia is a good name. I think it's cool because the people are Serbs and I think that's a very it's just very like consonant heavy. I agree. So this guy's like
[0:43:25] Gavin: a pre-SERB.
[0:43:27] Eric: This guy's pre-SERB.
[0:43:33] Andrew: Is this not Woody? Oh, is it? Oh, it's Woody. I think this is Woody.
[0:43:38] Eric: He fooled us. I was fooled. Oh, the bear was hiding in the cave.
[0:43:45] Gavin: It was the nose that fooled me.
[0:43:47] Geoff: Y'all didn't even know he was British let alone an old man. He also kidnaps Christine Daae.
[0:43:56] Andrew: He's actually more likable at that face. You should just keep that. I like this character more.
[0:44:04] Eric: Now that I know he's British he sounds like he's doing an American accent. Like it sounds like a guy who's not American.
[0:44:11] Geoff: I feel like fucking British people have so much more success doing American accents than American people do have doing British accents. I'm always so surprised. You're like I watched all of The Wire never knowing McNulty was British. Yeah. And like half the cast is. Or fucking or what's his name in Walking Dead. Oh, yeah. And then you watch Love Actually and you're like
[0:44:36] Eric: what the fuck? Yeah. I think it's because there's only like there's like two American accents. It's default American and Southern American but then a British accent is like oh, you don't sound like you're from the North and it's like I don't know
[0:44:49] Unidentified: what that means. Let's fucking call up Krakow. What accent was that? What the hell? He's got a tummy cane? He's gonna shoot the bear. Bullets are in that thing. He's fucking laughing. He just killed his girlfriend and he's laughing. How has this
[0:45:50] Unidentified: never been a gif?
[0:45:54] Geoff: Because the world has largely forgotten about Condor, man. It was waiting it was lying dormant waiting for us to rediscover it.
[0:46:20] Gavin: Is this the first movie where the ice cream is better than the movie? How many movies have an ice cream, though?
[0:46:27] Unidentified: That's the problem. That's a good point. Commitment to shoot on location in this movie. This could not have been cheap. Oh, fuck. Now I gotta look that up. Box Office Mojo. Steering mechanism? There is no information on how much money this movie made. Was he the first Brit to be a superhero? An American superhero?
[0:47:23] Andrew: An American superhero.
[0:47:25] Gavin: Like, it's kind of the norm now, but...
[0:47:27] Andrew: What about... I'm not sure, like, the canon era Captain America movies and, like, those superheroes? Spider-Man? I don't know who was in those.
[0:47:42] Unidentified: He kind of looks like
[0:47:43] Geoff: that dude that plays the great American hero.
[0:47:46] Unidentified: He does.
[0:47:47] Geoff: I can't think of his name, but he was also in Big Wednesday,
[0:47:51] Unidentified: which is one of the best movies. Monte Carlo. There's an F1 race there. Is it the one that's in the street? I don't know. Condor Man. Too sentimental. Oh. It's hard to have
[0:48:33] Andrew: less than two men. He said that, like, two men was a lot. I had two men following them. Like, it's essentially the minimum.
[0:48:40] Gavin: How should he have phrased it? A Man and a Spare?
[0:48:43] Andrew: No. Yeah, I had double man.
[0:48:47] Unidentified: They were double coverage. Man,
[0:48:53] Geoff: it's amazing we made it to the internet. It was a fucking
[0:49:00] Unidentified: slow,
[0:49:02] Geoff: inefficient world before.
[0:49:04] Unidentified: God damn. Oh, shit.
[0:49:13] Geoff: I just got a mercury eyeball.
[0:49:14] Andrew: I don't think that will ever be referenced again, which is why I like it so much. It puts such an emphasis on a thing that I think is actually meaningless. You don't have to go fly out at some point? No, I think that's it. I don't think we'll ever see that again.
[0:49:26] Gavin: Take off when that eye flies out.
[0:49:33] Geoff: Everyone you're looking at right now is probably dead.
[0:49:35] Unidentified: Oh, Jesus.
[0:49:36] Geoff: Well, maybe not that kid. Kids are fine. Those dudes dead.
[0:49:40] Unidentified: That was 40 years ago. I need to be 108. What is happening? This just got real sad. It's Condor Man.
[0:49:54] Andrew: Are they all looking at Condor? Yeah. Is he going to show up? Wings and all.
[0:50:03] Unidentified: A somber scene as they see Condor Man. This is a really. They're building the Condor Man. I'm telling you. You'll be flying by. Okay. Maybe they just don't ever hear vehicles.
[0:50:31] Geoff: That's the Condor Bell. They're waiting for the school bell. The donkey.
[0:50:46] Unidentified: That's. Wow. That's a lot of Porsches. That's fucking expensive. That's not cheap. And that Porsche has sonar. We just don't get to know. It's a lot of choreography work to be part of this organization. That's pretty cool. That was pretty cool.
[0:51:57] Unidentified: Much less impressive. I hate him so much. I'm back to hating this guy.
[0:52:10] Geoff: Yeah. His accent's all over the place.
[0:52:17] Gavin: It's like if Dick Van Dyke's character and Mary Poppins tried to do an American accent.
[0:52:22] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:52:23] Gavin: That's the perfect.
[0:52:30] Eric: It looks. It looks like he's driving a car from wacky races. His co-pilot Snidely Whiplash. Yeah. It's like the Ant Hill mob gang is about to get him. Look at these awesome cars. Yeah. This is great. They're about to take out Peter Perfect and Penelope Pitstop.
[0:53:08] Unidentified: Look at this fucking thing. It's the caveman. This is really hitting me
[0:53:29] Geoff: in the childhood. Oh, God. Yeah. All these references.
[0:53:37] Unidentified: Oh, she's dead. Oh, shit.
[0:53:52] Andrew: If you put the part Navi in Fast and Furious, they would maybe be the best villain in the franchise. They're great.
[0:53:57] Geoff: This is kind of like the opening scene of the first Fast and the Furious. Yeah. If you consider it, they're the semi-truck. If that was filled with VCRs,
[0:54:08] Andrew: it's the same. It's DVD players.
[0:54:11] Unidentified: What is happening? What? They were the rude. What? Yes. Yes. It is a vehicle. Yes. Yes. Yes.
[0:54:24] Geoff: Shouldn't one of them have stayed up there? It's got green light technology. They are. Oh, boy. Just hit any of those buttons, dickhead.
[0:54:37] Gavin: Okay. That's pretty cool. Kind of a single-use thing, but that's pretty neat.
[0:54:44] Eric: I want one of those so bad. You're telling me that car was pulling a house for that long? So, were they sat on the roof?
[0:54:54] Geoff: They were in the above part. Yeah.
[0:54:55] Gavin: Why not just make the cab of the fake van the real car?
[0:55:04] Unidentified: I hope that they slip down
[0:55:10] Gavin: into another one underneath this one.
[0:55:12] Unidentified: That would be so good.
[0:55:15] Eric: You're telling me that with technology like this, this guy was concerned about what Condor Man could and could not do for his comic.
[0:55:26] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:55:27] Eric: Get real.
[0:55:30] Geoff: You see where Batman stole all his ideas? Is that the rollable font?
[0:55:38] Unidentified: That'd be awesome if it was dedicated to killing.
[0:55:52] Andrew: They gave a commitment ring to killing. It's an important part of their organization.
[0:55:58] Eric: This is, like, not easy to film or coordinate. No. This is very cool.
[0:56:04] Gavin: Where do you get
[0:56:04] Geoff: three log trucks from?
[0:56:06] Unidentified: Oh, Fasafirma! Yugoslavia?
[0:56:09] Geoff: Probably Oregon, yeah.
[0:56:10] Unidentified: Uh-huh. Wow. This is great. This is better than Bullet.
[0:56:23] Geoff: Dude, I would turn that jet engine on just like we used to do in GTA and blow those motherfackers motherfackers blow those motherfuckers halfway across
[0:56:32] Unidentified: the airport. Oh, he did. Okay. Get cooked! He screams, you motherfackers! Whoa! Oh, shit! Oh, my God! God damn!
[0:56:46] Geoff: That's gonna be hard to walk away from. Freaking hell!
[0:56:55] Unidentified: This rules. They spent all the money on the second unit.
[0:57:00] Geoff: I'm gonna get a Condor Man tattoo. Ooh, write that down. Condor Man tattoo. I got my phone. Get Condor Man tattoo. To jump!
[0:57:12] Unidentified: Uh-oh. Oh, is it Red Car? Oh, shit! Whoa! Yes! Wow!
[0:57:22] Gavin: Fast and Furious got all their ideas from Condor Man.
[0:57:25] Unidentified: Yep.
[0:57:26] Geoff: No shit, dude. This is like, this is essentially GTA Online. It is. That's the car I would drive.
[0:57:34] Unidentified: We have them. I bet it costs like 12 million GTA dollars.
[0:57:42] Gavin: Yeah, that's the fucking worst.
[0:57:44] Eric: Hey, just get the car. Oh, there's the eye!
[0:57:47] Gavin: That, uh... I couldn't afford to film that for real this shot. What happened there?
[0:57:52] Unidentified: What was that? Excuse me? Okay. Oh. He just did like 18 grand's worth of damage. He's just getting started. How did his bumper get back on? Fuck that tree specifically. That must have been insane to time that shot. Mm-hmm. You know, I gotta say,
[0:58:40] Geoff: uh, I laughed at it initially, but that guy is a dedicated killer. Show the eye again.
[0:58:46] Unidentified: Yeah! He's my ex-boyfriend. I told him it was over, but he won't take no for an answer. He's useless.
[0:59:13] Geoff: Can you imagine being in a rural Yugoslavian town and then fucking space cars with dudes with silver eyes just roll through one day? It would fuck the rest of your life up.
[0:59:25] Eric: Well, I think that's how... You'd be like,
[0:59:26] Geoff: what is going on out there?
[0:59:27] Eric: That's how, like, tall tales, like, that's how, like, werewolves... It's just stories about this stuff that, like, technology you've never seen before that, like, blows your mind in a way where, like, the whole country is different now. Do you think
[0:59:42] Geoff: this is how, uh, do you think this is how Transformers started? They tell stories and you just love me about it was a bird but it was a car.
[0:59:51] Unidentified: Oh, yeah, baby. That's phenomenal. The only thing we've seen him do as Condor Man, though, is almost drown. Yeah. That is true. Reverse! Dude. Take a chill pill. God damn. The gypsy truck
[1:00:50] Eric: turned into a race car. I hate when
[1:00:55] Unidentified: that happens. Oh, he's covering the eye now. He's tired
[1:01:11] Andrew: after that blow. Imagine how pissed you would be if Condor Man kept fucking you over and then you had to read comics about it. Like, follow-up.
[1:01:29] Unidentified: Look at him
[1:01:30] Geoff: with his little S&M writing crop.
[1:01:32] Unidentified: He'll give you a little spank. You did a no-no. You're a real bad spy boy. A little stinker. Bend over the table. Do you think he spanked Borovic's eye out?
[1:01:44] Andrew: Do you think he spanked him so hard as I popped out? Do you think he's committed to murder in the same way as everybody else? Is that like a general thing or was that like a squad?
[1:02:11] Unidentified: Why are they climbing a mountain? I guess they have to is the idea
[1:02:16] Andrew: but it's just like
[1:02:17] Geoff: Yeah, did that boat crash? Yeah, did they run out of gas or? No, they were just in a boat. Can it not reconvert back to a car after it's a boat?
[1:02:25] Andrew: They built a car that's six different cars and they didn't include a phone. How do they not have a phone?
[1:02:52] Geoff: They hadn't even dreamed up of that kind of technology yet.
[1:02:58] Unidentified: Crouchmo. The Polissimo. She's just freshening up next to the dung pile. That dude's got a chin strap. But didn't he actually kill
[1:03:58] Unidentified: a bunch of people
[1:03:59] Geoff: with his stick? Yeah, he also blew a bunch of people in cars up by setting them on fire. He's killed at least ten guys at this point. It's pretty high for a Disney movie. Yeah, he's approaching
[1:04:12] Gavin: Terminator 2 numbers. How many double digit body counts Disney movies are there?
[1:04:20] Unidentified: That's a great question. fucking joke parody character is this? He's got one of those whips too. It's actually Cullen Farrell.
[1:04:55] Geoff: The prosthetics are amazing. I didn't know
[1:04:57] Unidentified: it was him for most of the movie. Oh, that's his friend, huh? Oh my, it's the guy he works with.
[1:05:24] Andrew: It's Harry. You should always yell
[1:05:26] Gavin: his real name when you get
[1:05:29] Geoff: real excited.
[1:05:38] Unidentified: You should see what it turns into.
[1:05:39] Geoff: How the fuck are all three of them going to sit in two rows of a car handcuffed?
[1:06:02] Unidentified: Wait, are they still why would they still be handcuffed? Why wouldn't he undo the handcuffs? Because people are watching him. Yeah, man,
[1:06:08] Andrew: look at all those eyes.
[1:06:12] Geoff: One lady walks by and that's it. It's an empty village. Can you imagine how fucking great it must have been to be Michael Crawford and this lady for the three months they filmed this movie in some of the most beautiful locations on earth? With zero expectations of this movie be good.
[1:06:28] Eric: Yeah, really like zero expectations.
[1:06:32] Geoff: Do you think at any point Michael this film thought like this is gonna make me?
[1:06:43] Unidentified: That's like that Fiat we drove to Scotland Gavin. So we almost died in? Yeah. You know he's Michael
[1:07:10] Geoff: Crawford's kind of dressed like Shrek.
[1:07:13] Unidentified: You're right.
[1:07:16] Geoff: There's a real Shrek
[1:07:17] Unidentified: feel to that. Especially with all the hay and shit. There's no time. There's no time. I don't understand like
[1:07:57] Geoff: he's got an eye patch on because he doesn't want to draw attention to his silver eye I would imagine. Yeah. But if you don't want to draw attention to your silver eye just don't get a silver eye. I mean don't you get a silver eye to kind of show it off and be like hey I'm the silver eye guy.
[1:08:21] Unidentified: Maybe that's just how it is. Yeah. Different time I guess. Yeah. Probably sunglasses would have looked. What? Oh my God.
[1:08:43] Geoff: If this fucking happens when Emily and I get married you guys better not pull any condor man pranks at my wedding. I'm calling
[1:08:54] Eric: no condor man pranks during my wedding. We're doing this condor man speech word for word in the middle of your ceremony.
[1:09:04] Unidentified: Uncle Luigi. Oh my God. Oh lady fight. Everybody in this town hates
[1:09:31] Geoff: each other. I was just looking for an excuse.
[1:09:35] Gavin: This wedding was on the brink the whole time.
[1:09:39] Unidentified: They're going to settle some scores. That kid
[1:09:42] Geoff: is so happy. That is the best fucking way to Oh my God.
[1:09:50] Unidentified: I wish comic books are so expensive now. When is he having time to make these though? These are old. He's been he's a famous comic book artist.
[1:10:52] Eric: It's true. Condor man would never do something this guy wouldn't do in real life like cross the Alps. These wipes are awesome.
[1:11:03] Unidentified: They're pretty jaunty wipes. Yeah. The angles definitely interesting. How far are we
[1:11:19] Andrew: into the 70 minutes roughly of a 90 minute movie and we've had one scene of him in the condor suit. I am shocked by the opening scene. I think we saw more animated condor man than him as condor man.
[1:11:35] Geoff: These kids reading condor man comics too.
[1:11:44] Unidentified: This would have been a way better movie if they just cast Stan Lee as condor man. We've been actually dickhead. Go feel it, buddy. It's going to go to the bathroom and feel it for a while.
[1:12:12] Gavin: Did he even bring the condor suit?
[1:12:15] Eric: No. He doesn't have a bag.
[1:12:18] Geoff: The CIA will provide it for him when he
[1:12:20] Unidentified: needs it. Where are they supposed to be now? Swiss Alps, right? Switzerland? Yeah.
[1:12:38] Geoff: Thanks to climate change, that area looks like the Saharan desert now, though. It's a
[1:12:43] Unidentified: shame.
[1:12:48] Geoff: Is that laser lips? Laser lips?
[1:12:52] Unidentified: Is that really
[1:12:53] Geoff: laser lips? What's her name? Laser lady?
[1:13:05] Unidentified: You're right. All these little Swedish American kids. Hey, where are these Americans come from? They've been written in English. She's really hung up on the Oh. The name? I thought she was staring at the A. You will not believe what I felt. The water. Oh, man. I felt it. I felt it hard. Wait, is the last act conflict that she's in a comic and doesn't know about it?
[1:14:14] Unidentified: Go for boy. Really?
[1:14:26] Geoff: He's going to disappear you. Don't go on that
[1:14:32] Unidentified: should we I
[1:14:48] Geoff: I'm going to do some future prognosticating OK? OK. I I'm envisioning a future where the podcast is as successful as let's say Joe Rogan podcast like that level where we've got our hundred million dollar deal and we're flying pretty high right? do you think we could at that point when we're that successful recreate like like retrace the steps of Condor Man as content and just like follow his path throughout Europe you're trying to find all the locations get the
[1:15:23] Eric: least popular thing that we could follow like Batman like Dark Knight or something at least that's popular that nobody is nobody knows what the fuck this is exactly
[1:15:37] Geoff: and isn't that the most face thing we could do
[1:15:39] Andrew: but what about the comics we need to find the comics are based in reality what if we made those comics real yeah because to prove
[1:15:49] Geoff: the thesis of
[1:16:06] Eric: I I so I bought them I didn't look into what exactly they are because I kind of want it to be a surprise yeah I do it live live
[1:16:15] Geoff: yeah
[1:16:16] Eric: right we'll
[1:16:16] Geoff: do
[1:16:17] Eric: it live because if it's not the movie if it is like the adventures of condor man that's insane I
[1:16:36] Gavin: movie about a guy that writes comic books about what's happening in the movie with kids reading that comic book
[1:16:42] Andrew: yes now Gavin you moved from a different country to America was one of the main perks being able to read the Sunday funnies was
[1:17:07] Geoff: in American office like Kathy
[1:17:09] Unidentified: what's he wearing now
[1:17:13] Geoff: snow gear man
[1:17:15] Gavin: it looks like the bottom half of one of those flappy car sales things
[1:17:20] Unidentified: this
[1:17:26] Geoff: relationship is so fucking doomed if you draw the line out if you think about like you know she just had that moment where she's like well if Woody is condor man and I'm laser lips and you're whatever gopher boy she now realizes she's going to pick up the comic she's going to be like they're going to be married five years down the road and she's going to pick up the comic and it's going to be fucking condor man talking to his buddy at the bar about what a bitch his wife is what a way to learn about an affair she's going to
[1:18:34] Unidentified: swin bicycle why is
[1:18:49] Andrew: he pointing like this way there's one way you go one way there's no other path
[1:18:55] Unidentified: follow the path of the rockets taking you on
[1:19:00] Eric: so slowly how many pages of the condor man comic book is this sequence it's most of episode two
[1:19:16] Unidentified: man okay boy dude
[1:19:38] Geoff: Romanoff is look or more of it no that's Romanoff is looking fucking good
[1:19:44] Andrew: can you imagine if this movie just ended with him killing all three
[1:19:47] Unidentified: of the man
[1:19:48] Andrew: take
[1:19:51] Unidentified: the shot dad that movie's over I must have
[1:20:16] Geoff: been losing my fucking mind at six years old that was incredible I would love to see little me experience this oh my god and what a great opportunity to pull out the wings I must have been so excited about ice cream at this point
[1:20:29] Eric: he got condor man crunched that was yeah
[1:20:32] Unidentified: oh she's
[1:20:49] Geoff: sad he's making her look at the body I told you I was dedicated to
[1:20:55] Eric: killing how did they do that how did they film that it's just there are like no tracks around them whatsoever it's just two perfect holes they must have just dropped
[1:21:07] Gavin: them
[1:21:08] Eric: oh good
[1:21:17] Unidentified: he's fucking he's beyond what if harry just had an arm off oh no she's in
[1:21:37] Eric: a nice place
[1:21:38] Geoff: they're really torturing her your punishment is to sleep in this
[1:21:47] Unidentified: gilded golden bed he's gonna hit her with a chair
[1:22:23] Andrew: imagine if he just never tried to save her and she found out because new issues a condor man kept coming out
[1:22:46] Unidentified: so do you remember how this ends Jeff
[1:23:15] Geoff: I've remembered zero seconds of this that's not true that's not true I remembered the Eiffel Tower
[1:23:22] Andrew: do we think the condor suit will appear again yeah I think
[1:23:27] Geoff: it has I think it's gonna appear how far into this are we like 80 minutes 75 minutes I think it's gonna appear very soon
[1:23:34] Gavin: if the condor suit doesn't knock out that dude's eye I'm gonna be blue balls in two directions maybe you
[1:23:41] Geoff: should take a few minutes to go to the bathroom and feel things
[1:23:45] Unidentified: he's got an endless supply of sweaters
[1:23:54] Eric: are those condor man ideas
[1:23:57] Geoff: I think so
[1:23:59] Eric: things that I know I can do now
[1:24:03] Unidentified: yeah uh oh he's good what a relief Eric whenever
[1:24:38] Andrew: we want something for the show just say you have top rank clearance yeah
[1:24:41] Eric: that includes Fort Knox yeah you gotta add that part I have top I have top clearance including Fort Knox I feel like Fort Knox is a really important thing until like the mid 90s and then everyone went I think we're over this yeah
[1:24:57] Geoff: I think so well we became with the exception of Joel everybody was kind of got over the idea of having to own 10 billion pounds of gold to be wealthy hey
[1:25:13] Unidentified: hey I'm not sure about this section of the movie it's a lot of briefcases those guys are all condor men on their next assignment I think I think you might be right I think
[1:25:37] Andrew: it's definitely hairy I'm hearing I'm feeling some definite hairy gopher man action you think that's them I think that's them
[1:25:46] Eric: I know a gopher when I see one oh I
[1:25:49] Andrew: can sense a gopher
[1:25:50] Unidentified: his name is Jed
[1:26:07] Geoff: Clampett
[1:26:08] Unidentified: and the
[1:26:12] Geoff: younger man with him that's his cousin Jethro
[1:26:14] Unidentified: very new money oh great trivia here
[1:26:31] Gavin: about Oliver Reed one night after too many alcoholic drinks Oliver Reed tossed his tuxedo into the sea from a Monte Carlo hotel room
[1:26:41] Unidentified: what's going on what what what
[1:27:07] Eric: well this is
[1:27:10] Gavin: why it's not on Disney Plus then eh Caesar Saladsworth
[1:27:15] Unidentified: oh god
[1:27:31] Geoff: see do you think they tried to figure out how to edit this out and keep the movie
[1:27:35] Andrew: I don't
[1:27:37] Geoff: let's see when they could have cut back in
[1:27:39] Andrew: yeah these feel like Vince McMahon characters to me oh big time
[1:27:45] Eric: these guys
[1:27:45] Unidentified: are both
[1:27:47] Eric: going for the Intercontinental Championship
[1:27:49] Unidentified: that was
[1:27:57] Eric: great
[1:27:57] Unidentified: this movie
[1:28:05] Eric: needed way more of that like slapstick kind of stuff yeah that's that's really funny the moments
[1:28:13] Geoff: that had it
[1:28:13] Gavin: were great yeah they were just too few shame about every single other thing in that scene
[1:28:18] Unidentified: I liked some of the flower arrangements they must have been on set for days dressed like this oh boy beg my
[1:28:45] Geoff: pardon but I've been inside you
[1:28:46] Unidentified: choose love fucking hell
[1:29:20] Geoff: this was this is essentially how they tried to get Harry to go back into the woods at the end of Harry and the
[1:30:17] Unidentified: heartbreaking is that code yeah
[1:30:41] Geoff: was that did we miss something she's referencing the episode of condor man the dip in Dostoyevsky
[1:30:48] Eric: ridiculous
[1:31:06] Andrew: jeez nick whenever he hears there's a condiment at the thing oh fuck jesus
[1:31:13] Unidentified: what condor man's racking up more of the body count kill them all condor man let god sort them out it's the disney way let's get changed maybe yeah please change we miss woody has he got the condor boots on oh man right other side that is another
[1:32:16] Unidentified: very nice car kill oh jesus that was a good dive yeah you would be embarrassed for me history won't
[1:32:37] Geoff: be kind to me for his
[1:32:43] Eric: like you know stop and go is like a lot of this movie is the stunts and car racing stuff and everything are awesome yeah they're really good
[1:32:52] Unidentified: yeah the cars especially oh shit wow why'd they pull the shoe in it pull up the suit wings do it wings pull up the wings oh he's got the gloves do it yes yeah
[1:33:21] Andrew: yes
[1:33:22] Geoff: dude those gloves are just like kitchen gloves
[1:33:25] Eric: this was the thing you saw you've never seen it before and this guy's like i got the plan
[1:33:36] Gavin: oh is he gonna put on the beacon glasses
[1:33:39] Geoff: so we can cut back in here
[1:33:41] Unidentified: that'd be such a jump
[1:33:43] Geoff: we do miss a
[1:33:46] Unidentified: little yeah
[1:33:58] Geoff: fly condor man fly holy shit
[1:34:05] Unidentified: how do they
[1:34:10] Geoff: do that
[1:34:11] Unidentified: all practical effects too so you're gonna have an attack falcon maybe we should
[1:34:30] Geoff: start a competing company called for that's protected by condors compete against ourselves so we're definitely a birds of prey podcast now yeah all right back out of the movie back in
[1:34:47] Unidentified: this is all
[1:34:51] Geoff: fine we're fine good it's rules look at that shot it's amazing banco de roma back out yeah back in dude dude
[1:35:09] Unidentified: how fucking cool you're laying on top of yeah what are you talking about she'd have to literally jump off this is all fine
[1:35:32] Geoff: it's still good dicey dicey and we're back yeah we're gonna cut this and we are
[1:35:51] Unidentified: and harry's back baby we're back baby it's not
[1:36:00] Geoff: it's not
[1:36:01] Unidentified: yeah it's
[1:36:02] Geoff: rolling
[1:36:02] Unidentified: it's not no way why you think
[1:36:22] Geoff: that car is still at the bottom of that water you know they didn't have to clean shit up as much in the 80s that's definitely still down there
[1:36:31] Unidentified: she held on for much longer it's face oh that's helpful he's waving him in he's bringing it in like he's a fucking American Airlines 737 got an ember air coming in for landing this is gonna either look great or utter dog shit oh the little leg kicks too it was great wow why would you leave your wings why
[1:37:24] Geoff: CIA's got an unlimited budget he's got four knots at his disposal
[1:37:28] Unidentified: definitely want to be safe though i thought he's gonna bang his
[1:37:55] Gavin: head on the visor
[1:37:56] Geoff: that would have been a perfect condor man slapstick when we do our fan remake condor man 2024 definitely gonna ratchet up the slapstick
[1:38:10] Gavin: imagine if batman just changed out of his suit and left it all over a dock
[1:38:16] Andrew: oh hell yeah a condor boat these all feel like toys that they never made like we gotta have the car we gotta have the boat
[1:38:28] Gavin: oh that's a good point it's like this whole movie was made for a happy meal integration
[1:38:32] Geoff: yeah that thing looks like a nightmare to be in it is bouncing all over the place
[1:38:39] Unidentified: he can only answer the phone with his eye out it helps
[1:38:49] Geoff: with the
[1:38:49] Andrew: reception it starts as a wi-fi hot oh is it
[1:39:00] Gavin: the five black boats
[1:39:02] Andrew: were they just there the whole time are they always there like what was the how did this happen finally
[1:39:13] Unidentified: what miserable day of filming that probably was that's fucking hell yeah look at this that's awesome look at this this is beautiful it's a genuinely fast boat some genuinely good cinematography I wonder where the condor boat is now like someone must have that it belongs in a museum I'll tell you that why
[1:40:01] Andrew: oh what they got a condor gun what a condor laser gun
[1:40:08] Unidentified: oh dude oh my god he's killing so many people if he had that kind of laser
[1:40:19] Geoff: technology the whole time I feel like he gonna wrap this up 45 minutes ago without without the use
[1:40:28] Eric: of his previous costume where's how come laser lady isn't shooting the lasers that's a great point
[1:40:33] Andrew: if there was ever a time for laser lady has she ever used
[1:40:39] Gavin: or mentioned a laser
[1:40:40] Andrew: no
[1:40:41] Unidentified: imagine staying at some swiss resort and seeing the shit on the lake outside
[1:40:52] Geoff: like man monte carlo has really gone to shit wow
[1:40:58] Unidentified: oh god he's shot oh that's brutal those dudes are melted to that boat
[1:41:08] Gavin: oh that boat had a visibility spout we should we should try or maybe
[1:41:16] Geoff: a comet leader would do it to go through and try to try to accurately count condor man's body count
[1:41:23] Gavin: that guy that stunt guy could have done such a cool dive away from that explosion but he just plopped off like he was jumping into a pool
[1:41:31] Unidentified: fuck the shore you know
[1:41:47] Geoff: this was in 1981 laser laser guns were so fucking popular back then and here we are in 2023 and I don't I don't see army movies where army dudes and marines are shooting lasers yet like what what's the fucking hold up
[1:42:00] Andrew: yeah lasers should come back
[1:42:03] Unidentified: we need more lasers oh oh damn I split it that was crazy oh my god
[1:42:21] Andrew: killed like 35 people
[1:42:26] Geoff: zero moral cost on that murder at all can you imagine the ecological damage that shot did uh oh
[1:42:36] Unidentified: lasers
[1:42:36] Geoff: the general
[1:42:37] Unidentified: it's king porsche krokov's always hiding around somewhere that was a crazy shot why they're getting soaked
[1:43:02] Geoff: krokov looks like one of the dudes on the he with that helmet on he looks like one of the dudes at the helm in space balls
[1:43:13] Unidentified: surrounded by
[1:43:24] Gavin: assholes
[1:43:25] Unidentified: and dead fish jesus oh my god oh no
[1:43:39] Geoff: yeah but they fucked up the sunshade
[1:43:42] Unidentified: the sky lift oh please
[1:43:49] Geoff: tell me the boat has wings this boat can only turn right now this is just gta you're absolutely right this is gta online we we have done every one of these stunts in a let's play if he bounces off a wave and gets hooked that's gta fucking christ that's one of the things i'm most proud of now that's a dive
[1:44:13] Unidentified: that's a hell of a stunt jesus
[1:44:29] Gavin: the meatiest explosions in any disney movie wow i've never saw that guy's eye pop out
[1:44:39] Andrew: all your friends are
[1:44:40] Unidentified: dead dodgers stadium for you
[1:44:48] Eric: big dodger fan all right look at him
[1:44:53] Gavin: go is condor man gonna fly down and land on the field
[1:44:56] Andrew: he would be a dodgers fan no kidding
[1:45:02] Geoff: he wrote he wrote into an episode last week the condor man hit a home run now he's got to make it happen
[1:45:07] Gavin: do you think michael crawford has any idea what the dodgers are do you
[1:45:14] Unidentified: think michael crawford has
[1:45:15] Gavin: any memory of making this movie
[1:45:16] Unidentified: welcome natalia aka the bear aka cia oh usa usa 1981 world series was uh dodgers yankees this movie came out in august oh god do are we setting up condor man too that's a good point assassinate condor man pack of cigarettes oh we'll
[1:46:27] Unidentified: have to wait and see
[1:46:28] Andrew: where is
[1:46:35] Geoff: condor man supposed to go i'll tell you where he's gonna go he's gonna go into the condor man fan fiction we start writing yeah there are
[1:46:42] Eric: no credits no they did at the front all the credits were front loaded it simply ended
[1:46:47] Geoff: that well you know what first i was really nervous that this movie wasn't gonna it wasn't gonna be as entertaining it wasn't gonna hold up to the two phenomenal films you guys already brought to the table but let me just say you're welcome
[1:47:01] Andrew: yeah that was a perfect end to like our childhood trilogy i think that was fantastic i totally agree so good
[1:47:10] Geoff: that and that's a great way to put it our childhood trilogy there you go oh well did everybody eat all their ice cream because it'd be a soupy mess
[1:47:19] Andrew: yeah no it is a soupy mess do you think condor man went to basket robins do you think that's where the it was the lead into the condor man crutch i would love to
[1:47:28] Geoff: know how successful that promotion was
[1:47:30] Eric: gavin is
[1:47:35] Unidentified: are you kidding me this is
[1:47:48] Eric: a mess it's frank spencer frank spencer no way that's woody
[1:47:55] Unidentified: that's condor man baby
[1:47:57] Eric: what a mess well jeff andrew gavin any parting words i can't believe
[1:48:04] Gavin: going from that to the phantom of the opera that might be the greatest range i've ever seen from one human man pretty impressive
[1:48:14] Geoff: pretty impressive i'm glad that we got to celebrate the many talents of michael crawford today and and remember uh what was uh a mostly bright uh moment in the history in disney's rich
[1:48:40] Gavin: oh
[1:48:42] Geoff: well i'm
[1:48:44] Gavin: glad we did it yeah that was great too
[1:48:46] Geoff: thank you so much and i really appreciate y'all taking a trip down memory lane with me uh through my childhood uh unfortunately no monkeys uh not a lot of kung fu but we we did have birds of prey uh and we are birds of prey podcast i have a question to you
[1:49:10] Gavin: just gonna try and out problematic your film no no why would
[1:49:14] Andrew: why would that be the angle we went we could of all the choices why would we go
[1:49:17] Geoff: there we don't we could just we could just keep going backwards into disney if you want to do that oh i'm out i don't want to do it uh well stay tuned we'll come up with something bye we will bye
